It’s my own fault, really. I drank two cups of coffee this afternoon, and I can never sleep after that much caffeine (especially when I’ve cut back to one cup of hot tea a day). My problem is that when I can’t sleep, I worry, and when I worry, I get stressed out, and when I get stressed out, everything that has been bothering me for the past month comes crashing in around me. It doesn’t matter whether it’s something big or something little, something important or something stupid: at 2:00 in the morning, everything feels important and stressful. I feel like I have to do something about it right now. Of course, this just leads to less sleep and more worrying.
Tonight, the weather spoke for my feelings. I laid in bed for two hours, waiting for the sandman to come pay me a visit. I still wasn’t able to sleep. The rain kept drip, drip, dripping on the patio outside my bedroom. The wind was howling, rattling the windows to my room… And I still couldn’t sleep. I — of course — thought that maybe writing might help (hint: I’m still awake), so I landed here.
I am so overwhelmed with stress. I feel like I try so hard to do everything perfectly, and I just can’t do it. I want to do my best… at everything. I want to be the best at my job, I want to be the best in my marriage, I want to be the best with my finances — the list goes on, and I still can’t do it.
Now, I realize that I have set impossible goals for myself, but I cannot seem to let go of them. I’ve have tried everything under the sun to lower my stress levels, but nothing seems to work. I’ve tried yoga, working out, cutting out caffeine (which, if I’m honest, probably helped), petting my cats, cleaning my house, taking a bath; but I still find myself here: writing a blog post in the middle of the night, stressing.
I’m not tired yet, but maybe I have at least found an outlet for my feelings. Thanks for being my “oh-so-enraptured” audience. You really helped a girl out!